A Few Observations

There is very little in life that seems to match up, very little that will allow itself to be reconciled. Making sense of things cannot occur, but it is always the goal. Much of my life has consisted of internal processing, and I thought at some point, it would cease and I would put all of my conclusions towards leading a happy, somewhat peaceful, lifestyle. Unfortunately, this does not happen and instead of increased peace, there is only the opposite. Actually, that's not true. There can be found some satisfaction, but it occurs in short bursts and seem to faintly underline everything else. It's as if the air is chock-full of angry birds flying about pecking at each other, and I am below walking on soft grass while avoiding lethal contact. I look around and see that everyone is hunting for something. No one cares, and yet everyone holds the same constant desperation. No one is pursuing anything, and yet each effort is wildly pathetic, amazingly unclear, and insanely useless. It's like flailing your arms in the air, or throwing rocks at an apparition. You do it so passionately, yet your very aim is silly and pointless. I find conversations with people so agonizing, so underwhelming. Most of what is said is vapid, unimportant, silly. "I work at a cheese factory." "Wow, that sounds like fun." "Yeah, well, it's a job." "Yeah, you gotta make money somehow." "Yeah." This is only the beginning and it devolves from there. What do people discuss? Their work. Work is how we define ourselves. The problem is that most people hate their jobs, and so the topics of discussion deteriorate into nothing more than cigarettes and existental statements like, "That's life", and "It is what it is." What more can be added when all share the same belief in nothing? Yet I know that that can't be so. People want something real. I want something real. You don't have to smile when you tell me. You don't have to make it sound pretty or interesting or funny or correct. Just tell me a real thing about yourself. I question what most people tell me. Everything seems suspicious. So, I find that my relationships are built upon lies. Every relationship, while all are important in varying degrees, hold a common theme of falsity. We are not holding hands through anything. We are merely placing our hands over our mouths to keep from spilling out into the other person. Perhaps if I were to show myself, truly, to another person, I wouldn't speak at all. There would be a lot of blubbering and moaning and sighing. I wouldn't laugh or feign surprise or work myself up. I would simply be and that would be enough. Yet what is friendship except a molding of ourselves into the expecations that others hold for us? I am a dozen different people in the course of one day. We give people what they want, and assume then that we given them what they need. What we end up feeding people is a lot of s***, while our insides are crying out the truth. We explain their lives in a way that makes it all okay, and seethe inwardly with what we know we should say. Why do we force ourselves to be so miserable? Why do we pretend to be helpless? Is it so very comfortable to remain guilt-ridden and bitter? This is not the life that I desire, yet I wait upon Someone to make it different from what it is. Perhaps I should call upon Houdini. I am asking for a magic trick, for a rabbit to be pulled out of a hat, or a man to be sawed in half and survive to tell about it.I wish to be forced into a purpose or plan. I wish for each step to be drawn in front of me so that all will be left for me to do is place my feet accordingly into the perfectly-sized shapes. Predetermination. Powerlessness. It is only an endless waiting game. Why wait? What is stopping me from jumping, leaping, swiming, reaching for the next thing? Capability will not be thrust upon me. It is cultivated by me and me alone. Yet I do not wish to pretend to care about that which I do not. Why force myself to be friends with everyone? You may smoke your cigarette and talk about "game" and whether or not you have it, or how rock climbing is so fun, or how that guy is a pool shark, or can I buy you a drink? or shots are so much fun, or maybe I'll quit and show that ungrateful S.O.B., or I deserve to meet a nice man, or these shoes were only ten dollars, or I can't believe it's raining, or what the heck is she doing here?, or my band is going to be big, I know it, or yeah, man, it's crazy out there, man, do what you gotta do, man, whatever, man, stick with it, man, you got this, man, but I won't care. I've heard it all before. You're faking it, and I'm done with all that.